CAN’T STOP FALLING IN LOVE 

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." (attributed to Epictetus)

This  winter I found myself in a physical, emotional and spiritual rut. Many factors contributed to my situation, but one of the strongest was romantic desire. I, as many young people do, characterise being in a ‘relationship’ as the ultimate goal of being happy. Perhaps an exaggeration, but not too far from the truth, We all want to love and to be loved. Personally, I craved it quite a bit. I probably watched too many epics  with heroes accomplishing  grandiose feats and being rewarded with a romantic happily ever after and  too many TV series with tantalizing romantic subplots. 

I deeply desired being in love, being infatuated, living my romantic story, full of adventure, obstacles to be overcome but at the very end conquering the ‘princess’s’ heart. I idealized and craved that feeling of excitement, of the reassuring sense of safety, of being known, that sense of immeasurable joy and true meaning that comes with love. This idealization of love was intertwined with the existential void I felt after concluding several important journeys in which I found a great deal of significance. Consequently, I sought to fill this void with the pursuit of romantic desire, as I thought that was the next thing on my life to do list. The result was that I was no longer  able to truly enjoy life fully. My emotional state was highly dependent on the success of  the pursuit of my romantic interests. I felt stuck in past hurts and disappointments. I was unfocused and numb to much of the excitement of my life. I didn’t feel like my ‘true self’. I  was unable to fully appreciate my friends, family, adventures, parties, or even food (because what I wanted I didn’t have). I couldn’t feel fulfilled. I often felt a deep sense of unworthiness and insecurity because I unconsciously believed the lie that my worth depended on me being loved, … by the girl of my romantic dreams, … since ofc all the (few) girls that showed appreciation for me don’t count ;) . 

Ironically, a desire for something that was supposed to enrich my life was actually taking away from what I already had. Letting go of this  unhealthy desire, finding content in what I had and redefining my understanding of romantic love has been one of the most liberating experiences of this stage of life.

Saint Augustine summarized a facet of the human essence as being ‘desire driven creatures’. Reaching a deeper understanding of this aspect of our human condition followed by gaining mastery over it, is fundamental to the pursuit of the good life. We are all aware of how desires have the power to disrupt or inspire us, motivate us to acts of heroism or atrocity, spur euphoria or languor, empower us or enslave us, far beyond what the small but common example I shared can convey. Thus, I invite you to reflect on this very nature of ours with an honest and open heart.

Enjoy: being content with less. 

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY  WANT 

“The greatest wealth is to live content with little.” (Plato )

Desire has been cautioned against by many traditions. According to Buddhist thought, desire is the root of suffering (seldom should they be endured for a greater gain, like the desire of enlightenment). 

A similar position is taken by Epicurus, a major ancient Greek philosopher who discerned 3 types of desire: natural and necessary (to sustain existence), natural and unnecessary (excess, luxury…), unnatural and unnecessary (glory, power…). 

Stoicism finds common ground with this perspective, emphasizing detachment, acceptance of fate, and the pursuit of rational desires that do not cause suffering. Most of all, it emphasizes inner peace and contentment  not based on external things.

Finally, Christianity warns about desire on many occasions, from the very beginning in Genesis with the story of the Fall, where a mythical serpent in the garden of Eden tempts Eve to eat from the forbidden tree by deceit and preying on her desiring nature. Academics define it as an archetypal story: a story that tells a universal truth on the human condition. Most of the biblical narrative is founded on this pattern, which could be summarized as the Man’s struggle with idolatry. Or, as John Mark Comer states in his principle thesis in the books Live No Lies: "The devil’s primary strategy to ruin the soul and society is deceptive ideas that play to disorder desires, which are normalized in a sinful society."

All of these traditions should be explored in greater detail to be truly appreciated. But their warnings against desire are clear. As with anything that is human, desire has a dual  nature, it is both beneficial and dangerous, depending on  what we want, along with the why, and how much. In the wording of St. Augustine: "The problem of the human condition isn’t that we don’t love; it’s that we love either the wrong things or the right things but in the wrong order." ​

Epicurus categorization proves very useful to distinguish among the different types of the human wants: ‘unnecessary and unnatural’ and the ‘natural and unnecessary’. The radicality in his definition stems from the quasi impossibility to not be enslaved by them. Indeed desires for money, power, sex, fame, or luxury, have all proven corrupting to the human soul, taking away from what is really good in life, and having us pay a cost far greater than its reward. Not casually Jesus along with his disciples have desperately warned us against desire: "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil" - 1 Timothy 6:9-10 by St. Paul.

In my personal opinion, what truly matters is the ‘why’, the narrative behind and around our desire. These stories reflect the value system, or worldview, that we consciously or not hold. We can tell ourselves, or we have been told, many detrimental lies such as: ‘if I have that, then I'll be happy’ or ‘Just a little and I’ll be satisfied’. 

For example, love is the key to happiness, hence I want to fall in love with somebody so I can be happy. Reductive and simplified, yet many of us believe so and pursue love for the stated motive. Unfortunately love is not the key to happiness, making the latter pursuit dangerous and destructive for both parties. Thus, examining and ‘deconstructing’ the narratives behind and around our desires is crucial, as ‘a bad why ruins a good what’. Understanding a good why it’s its own challenge, for another time.

To a degree the motive for a want is proportional to its felt intensity, since it's reflective of our value system, Augustinian perspective on ordering our loves correctly. The problem is that within our minds and hearts there is a clash of selfs, a battle of desires, or as Dostoevsky put it: "God and the devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man.” It can be banal as wanting to be fit as an athlete, but at the same time really wanting that pizza, or deeper as wanting to be a charitable person but struggling so much to give to those who are in need. We have all experienced that our strongest desires are not our deepest desires. The conquest of our desires is then to be fought both in the battlefield of the heart and mind. 

On top of this, all of this is aggravated by our culture through social media, Hollywood and social circles. These forces distort, misrepresent, and fabricate false realities. By exaggerating and idealizing certain stages of life or experiences—such as romantic relationships, wealth, or adventure—they create an artificial sense of lack or ‘lust’ in most people. They reinforce the lie of ‘more is better’ and promote the comparison epidemic, the joy-thief. Many of our desires aren’t even our own but are artificially induced—what the French philosopher René Girard calls ‘mimetic desires’ . This is not to demonize Social Media, it can be a great tool for connection and creativity. However, the prevailing reality calls for caution.

Ask yourself: Do we really want all of this? Will more make me happy? Don’t we already have access to what truly matters? Am I overlooking the abundance in my life, like friends, family, health, the very fact of being alive? Are our desires enriching us or taking away more than they are giving? Am I chasing valuable and honest desires or what other people want? Am I chasing fulfillment, or am I just trying to numb an emptiness I don’t fully understand?

I WANT IT THAT WAY

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus 

I write this newsletter because gaining control over our desires is one of the most important steps in order to have a good life. Desires, along with disappointment and expectations, which share the same essence, are a primary cause of abrupt disillusionment and deconstruction. It’s not uncommon for past disappointments—in the form of hurt, unmet (and often uncommunicated) expectations, and (perhaps repressed) desires—to push someone away from their faith. I have heard so many stories that sounded exactly like this. I too have wrestled with this temptation.

I said to myself, no more of people being needy, selfish and hypocrites (ironically, I was part of that group), no more of people not loving and giving me as I do, no more of having to repress my desire for intimacy (christian sexual ethics are great but difficult!). Clearly this was a very emotional response out of hurt, frustration and lust in its most general meaning. Many young people share a similar experience with their own twist. These feelings are very real and valid. Let’s not bottle them up—let’s communicate and analyze what’s happening beneath the surface. But let’s also be honest with ourselves: When we are heading toward deconstruction, are the spiritual struggles truly leading the conversation, or are we being swayed by the emotional tides of desire, expectation, and disappointment?

To conclude, read the quote above again. How true is that?
We already have so much—things we would desperately long for if we didn’t. We don’t go to bed hungry. We have true friendship, the love of family, good health, and the security of not living under the constant threat of death. We have access to marvelous technologies, a plethora of entertainment, the luxury of choosing our career, and, above all, the simple yet profound gift of being alive."

Desire isn’t wrong, but it is a powerful force that can enrich you or otherwise. I know, everybody, especially young people, crave everything. We are restless, insatiable, we want it all. But each stage of life is special—don’t waste it wishing you were someone else, somewhere else, with somebody else, or doing something else. Do have goals, let them not consume you. I also encourage you to do some volunteering work for those who are less lucky, go to a pediatric oncology center, go to the poor zones of your city, go to a graveyard, do it regularly because we are quick to forget, and meditate on how blessed you are. Try to stay away from what stimulates your desires or disappointments in a healthy way (be radical about it). Avoid fantasizing or dwelling in the past, keep yourself busy and focused in the present. Wake up early and take a walk, in silence, contemplating the beauty of life. Finally and most importantly learn to be blissful with less and what you already have, chase what is truly important and you will be blessed.

UPDATES

Life is good, finally healing from a severe insomnia problem. 

I was in Sofia recently with the ReviveE team, which was incredibly fun and faith building!

I also started my second semester of Nuclear Engineering and I’m taking interesting but complex courses such as Solid State Physics and Fission Reactor Physics. 

One of my close friends got married, congrats Sergio and Nicola!

I taught at my local church on the struggles with reading Bible and biblical interpretation, which I will definitely propose to you all in due time. 

Next Newsletter on Hurriness. 

Love Laugh Live to the Max 

BIBLIOGRAPHY

De Vita Beata - Seneca

De Tranquillitate Animi - Seneca

De Brevitate Vitae - Seneca

Letter on Happiness - Epicurus

Counterfeit gods - Timothy Keller

Live no Lies - John Mark Comer 

(FOR ROMANTIC DESIRE)

The Meaning of Marriage - Timothy Keller

The Sacred Search - Gary Thomas